If Lincoln Could Roast
by The Bodacious E
Summary: Have you ever wondered what would happen if Lincoln had the balls to roast his sisters? Well here is a multiple compilation of episodes were Lincoln teaches his sisters who they FUCKIN with.(cover by me)
1. The Sweet Spot

**These are all the episodes if Lincoln could roast**.

 **Episode: The Sweet Spot.**

Lincoln had finally found the best spot in vanzilla.After telling all his sisters where to sit. He was so damn happy. He rushed out in the middle of the night and smacked his ass on the sweet spot, ready to stay all night

That's when his sisters asked him what was up and threw his matreas against the window.

"Bitch who tha fuck do you think you are?! Takin my shit down here with yo bitch ass! Wearin mom's girdle, you nasty bitch. Wearin a fake ass necklace thinkin it makes you look fancy, add on them damn earrings and you look like you're comin straight outta goodwill, FUCK YOU MEAN! Tell me why tha fuck your calfs are bigger then yo damn body? If i shave yo mutha fuckin head it'll look like a fuckin traffic cone. HEY! There ya go! A job where you can stay on your ass and play on your phone! NOW GET DAT ASS OUTTA HERE!"

Lori had piss running down her leg, crying as she ran away. All the other sistwrs looked at lincoln in terror.

"Any of you bitches want some too?"

All the sisters pissed and ran back inside.

"Thats what I mutha fuckin thought." Lincoln said slippin on some shades and listening to "Real Muthafuckin G's" by Eazy E as he rolled up his window.


	2. L is for Love

**Episode: L is for Love**

Luna shook her head to her siblings. "I dont know dudes, I just dont think I can tell em how i feel..."

Lincoln shot up like a black priest at a revival.

"Bitch bring dat ass here! I got some hispanic skank wuppin my ass and you make ME tell her i like her??!! RAAAAAA!!!!!!"

Lincoln began to rise up and glow in a fiery oblivian. He rose higher and higher, the heat rose and they all recieved an instant tan. They couldnt look away as his hand began to move. It fell upon Luna, pointing at her, she instantly felt the pain of a supernova in ones face.

"BOI! WHY THE FUCK YO HEAD LOOK LIKE A DAMN JELLY BEAN??!! WE GOT POOR AS PEOPLE YODLING IN SCOTLAND WHILE YO ASS ROCKIN A FUCKIN SCOTTISH KILT!!! NASTY ASS!!! WHY THE FUCK YOU GOT KNEE HIGH BOOTS ON ALL DAMN DAY??!! YOU PROBABLY GOT TYPE 8 ATHLETES FOOT BITCH!!! YO NAPPY ASS WEARIN FUCKIN PAPER CLIPS IN YO DAMN EARS! UGH! FUCK! YOU FORCE MY ASS OUTSIDE SO I GET PUNCHED IN MY MUTHAFUCKIN EYE AND YO ASS PISSIN AND MOANIN CAUSE YOU SCARED THAT THEY MAY SAY NO! FUCK YOU YOU USELESS, NO TALENT HAVIN, SELFISH, WAKIN UP THE WHOLE DAMN NEIGHBORHOOD, TRYNA GET US EVICTED, VOICE SOUNDIN LIKE SANDPAPER ON STONE, NO TITTY, LOOSE CLIT, LOOKIN ASS!!! FUCK OUT MY FACE!!!"

Luna then flew through the wall, landing in charles's shit. After that, she became a considerate young woman and turned into a morman.

Rita and Lynn Sr. walked out and looked at Lincoln.

"Son! What have you done???"

Lincoln turned...

and smiled...


	3. Space Invaders

**Episode: Space Invaders**

Lincoln was in his room with his toothbrush. "In a house with ten sisters, there are bound to be fights, and thats why i stay outta that bullshit."

There was suddenly a knock at his door, so naturally he approached his door and opened it.

"Hey Lincoln, im not spending another second with the dutchess of darkness, can i sleep here tonight?" Lynn asked.

"Bitch, bye!" Lincoln said closing the door.

He stopped at the nagging feeling of guilt.

He turned and let her in. She smiled as she made herself right at home. He turned to see her using his toothbrush.

"You know... im noticing a complete lack of balls in this room."

"GAH." Lincoln's hand shot to his chest as he fell down, as if he was having a tragic heart attack, Lynn laughed.

"Get up wimp!"

Lincoln shot up and levitated his hand fell upon Lynn as she fell to her knees and pleaded for mercy...

It would never come.

"Boi! Bring dat ass here! Lack of balls huh? Lets talk about you...you...you...FUCKING DYKE!"

The amount of disgust and hatred he spat at her was enough to make her soul ache.

"BOI YOU SMELL LIKE A PRO NFL LINEBACKER SLIPPED A MUTHA FUCKIN ONION IN HIS SHOE FOR A WHOLE SEASON. WASH YO DAMN FEET YOU NASTY BITCH!!! APPEAL TO THE OPPOSITE FUCKING GENDER, SHIT YOU COULDNT ATTRACT A FUCKIN SKUNK WITH YO SMELLY ASS YOU FILTHY, MEATBALL HAVIN, DIARREAH STINKIN UP THE SECOND FLOOR HAVIN, NOT CLEANIN YO ASS RIGHT, RUBBIN PIG SKIN UP YOUR COOCH, ACTIN LIKE YOU HOT SHIT HAVIN ASS!!!!!!! DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON YO ASS WEARIN A NUMBER ONE SHIRT! YOU AINT NUMBER ONE AT NOTHIN BUT BEIN A CRUSTY, FISH ON A TRIPLE ONION BURGER HAVIN, HEAD UP IN A PONY TAIL. I BET YOU USE THE SAME DAMN CRUSTY ASS SCRUNCHIE TO DONTYA BITCH???!!! WHY THA FUCK YO ASS GOTTA DAMN JOCK STRAP??? OH SHIT I KNOW WHY!!! YOU GOTTA SMALL ASS DICK DONTYA??? I DONT KNOW BUT I DO KNOW YO DUMB ASS HAD MY FAM THINKIN I WAS BAD LUCK!!!!"

Lynn raised her head, tears in her eyes. "Please... Linc, I didnt know that it would get that fa-"

"BITCH DID I SAY YOU COULD OPEN YO DAMN, SMELLY, HALITOSIS HAVIN MOUTH!"

Lynn cringed back.

"IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME COMIN YOU STUPID CUNT!!!! YOU HAD ME REMOVED FROM MY DAMN ROOM!!! MY SHIT SOLD!!! I SLEPT IN THE DAMN YARD!!! I HAD A HEAT STROKE DUE TO THAT DAMN SQUIRREL SUIT BITCH!!! YOU THINK YOU DESERVE MERCY??? NUH UH!!! YOU SHOULD BE FORCED OUT, YOU... you... FUCKIN ANIMAL!!! YOU INCONSIDERATE, UNGRATEFUL FUCKIN BITCH!!! WE SHOULD LOCK YOU OUTSIDE IN A FUCKIN PIG PIN!!! IT'D SUIT YOU, SHIT THEY MIGHT EVEN FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE!! I KNOW GOOD AND DAMN WELL NOBODY ELSE DOES!!!"

Lynn sobbed and curled up crying.

"THATS RIGHT BITCH!!! CRY!!! WHERE WAS MY MERCY??? WRESTLING, BEATING, PUNCHING?? YOUR FUCKING LITTLE BROTHER!!! SOME BIG SIS YOU ARE BITCH, KEEP LYIN TO YOURSELF!! SAY YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON!!! DUTCH OVENS??? REALLY??? YOU'RE A FUCKING YOUNG LADY!!! ACT LIKE IT!!! I WONDER HOW IN THA FUCK YOU GOT AT THE GROWN UPS TABLE!!! SHIT I WONDER HOW YOU GREW UP TO BE SUCH A CUNT!"

Lincoln walked over and lifted Lynn's face up to his own. "Lynn you are an awful person that doesnt deserve this family. Nobody likes a person like you, you treat your family like shit, you treat your team like shit, you treat yourself like you're the greatest there is... your not even close. Get the fuck out of my room... dog."

Lynn crawled out and slept in the yard.


	4. Brawl in the Family

**Episode: Brawl in the Family**

Lincoln stood idly by, watching his siblings yell at each other over a damn dress.

Meanwhile Lincoln heard his parents say that the fight was getting bad so they would just stay out of it.

Lincoln's roast sense began to overload, as he levitated to the source of stupidity.

Once he had arrived at his parents door he blew it of with a mutter of the word "Boi."

Once the door had been reduced to splinters Lincoln dropped down, cracking the floor beneath him. The parents whipped around in shock.

"Lincoln! What are you doing, young man?!" Lynn Sr. shouted.

Lincoln rubbed his hands, eminating intense friction causing spouts of electricity to burst from between his fingers. "Oooohhh! Oohh! Boi this gon be good..."

The parents felt the hair on the nape of their necks stand up before...

"KRAKOOM"

Lincoln burst up and nothing but a full blast of primitive unadultered fear fell upon the loud parents. He turned to Rita first.

"BOI YOU THINK YOU GOT THE FUCKIN RIGHT TO CALL YO NASTY ASS A PARENT???!!! THAT'S THE FUNNIEST SHIT I HAVE EVER HEARD!!! HAHAHAHA!!! YO ASS AINT EVEN AROUND TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN DAMN KIDS!!! WHATS THE MATTER??? IS YOUR JOB AS A DENTAL ASSISTANT SO FUCKING HARD THAT YOU CANT PROVIDE THEM WITH A PARENTAL FIGURE??? YOU CANT EVEN PUNISH THEM PROPERLY!!! MAKE THEM LEARN A LESSON YA DUMB SACK A SHIT, YOU BOUT AS BAD AS LENI!!! YOUR STUPID MUTHA FUCKIN ASS SENT YOUR ELEVEN YEAR OLD SON TO A FUCKING STORE BY HIMSELF TO BY GROCERIES!!! I COULD HAVE BEEN RAPED OR KILLED OR BOTH!!! YOU ARE SUCH A BAD PARENT I CANT EMPHASIZE IT ENOUGH IN WORDS!!! YOU LEAVE YOUR OLDEST DAUGHTER TO WATCH US ALL THE TIME!!! AND SHE'S OBVIOUSLY CRUMPLING UNDER THE DAMN STRESS!!! YOU FAILED HER AND THE REST OF US AS A FUCKING PARENT!!! IT'S PARENTS LIKE YOU, THAT SPOUT OUT ELEVEN KIDS AND FAIL AT TURNING THEM INTO GOOD KIDS!!!! YOU CANT EVEN STAND UP AND TELL THEM NO! WHEN THEY FIGHT, YOU SIT ON YOUR FAT LAZY ASS AND WATCH!!!"

Rita sobbed. Then he turned to Lynn Sr. "I saved the best for last."

Lynn Sr. curled into a ball, ready for the inevitable.

"BOI, BRING DAT ASS HERE! YOUS A BITCH BRUH!!! SCARED OF YOUR OWN DAMN KIDS PUSSY??? STAND THA FUCK UP AND DEAL OUT A PUNISHMENT FOR ONCE!!! GET UP!!! YO NASTY ASS NOSE STICK OUT LIKE A BLACK KID IN AN ALL WHITE SCHOOL!! WHY THE FUCK YO HAIR LOOK LIKE A DAMN COLDISACH???? YO ASS MAKES YOUR KIDS PUSH A FUCKING VAN HOME???? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???!!! YOU ARE THE EPITAMY OF WHAT A MAN SHOULDNT BE!!! YOU NASTY, PUSSY HAVIN, RABBIT BREEDIN HAVIN, NOT KEEPIN IT IN YO DAMN PANTS HAVIN ASS!!! BE A FUCKING MAN!!! GROW A PAIR OF BALLS YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!"

Lincoln stood back as his parents held each other in tears, they stood and approached the sisters.

Lincoln smiled and left, as the sound of a belt cracking against his sisters could be heard across the neighborhood.


	5. Sleuths or Consequences

**Episode: Sleuth or Consequences**

Lincoln was about to looking for the culprit that had clogged the toilet, they had all been dodging Lincoln for fear of his roast. They all knew that if he found the culprit that he would roast so bad that they would kill themselves.

Lincoln found the poster of princess pony. "You creepy fuck..."

Lucy dropped to her knees. "Please Lincoln I beg of you! I'll stop acting like I have something to piss and moan about!"

Lincoln began to rise. "Too late Lucy... im sorry, but I cant control it."

Lincoln's hair went gold and the temperature dropped by 40 degrees.

He rose dropping his hand as it faced Lucy, all the sisters gathered around the doorway.

"BOI, BRING DAT ASS HERE!!!!!!!! YO NASTY ASS THINK YOU GOT SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT??!! KIDS ALL OVER THE PLANET ARE POOR, STARVING, SUFFERING DEATHS IN THE FAMILY AND YO ASS PISSIN AND MOANIN OVER NOTHIN!!!WE GOT A NICE ASS HOME, GET SHIT WE WANT, AND WE HAVE A HUGE FAMILY TO LOVE AND CHERISH!!! YOU THINK YOU KNOW SHIT ABOUT EVIL AND SPELLS??? TRY AGAIN YOU DUMB CUNT. NOBODY LIKES YOU!!! I WISH YOU HAD THE GUTS TO TAKE A RAZOR TO YO DAMN WRIST SO WE WOULDNT HAVE TO LIVE WITH YO DAMN PITY!!! YO ASS WATCHES PRINCESS PONY FOR FUCKS SAKE!!! YOU BOUT AS DARK AS A CLOUDLESS SKY IN THE AFTERNOON, FUCK YOU MEAN. WHY THE FUCK YOU KEEP YO DAMN HAIR IN YOUR EYES BITCH??? IF I WAS YO DAD I'D SHAVE YOU BALD FOR ACTIN THE WAY THAT YOU DO!!! TOSS YO ASS OUTSIDE WITH NO CLOTHES OR FOOD!!! LET YOU SEE EHAT ITS LIKE TO HAVE NOTHIN!!! WEARIN DARK AS- oh shit did she kill herself?"

They all looked at Lucy's now limp body, wrist cut and covered in blood.

"YAAAAAAY" They all had a party.

 **Shout out to my boi** **David Harrel, please check out his story** **'Revenge with Love'**


	6. FUNNY BUSINESS

**My dude, 763Boi, you're damn right! Luan bout to get dat ass DESTROYED BRUH.**

 **Episode: Funny Business**

"Lincoln you're taking my business, im the funny one!!!" Luan said.

Lincoln whipped around so quick. "Bitch... OH HO HO... OH HO HO... OOOHH." Lincoln cringed so hard that his heart disappeared... leaving no room for mercy.

"BITCH BRING DAT ASS HERE, YOU WANNA HEAR A MO FUCKIN JOKE??? WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YO ASS AND A CALENDAR??? A CALENDAR HAS A DAMN DATE ON VALENTINES DAY!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! GET IT??? BITCH SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! I'D SLAP YO ASS IF IT WASNT ANIMAL ABUSE!!!! YO JOKES BOUT AS FUNNY AS A FLAT VIBRATOR IS SATISFYING!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! GET IT????"

"Linc, please, I beg of you!!! Im so sorry!" Luan said.

"I'm sorry, did I give the impression that I give a fuck???!!! HUH???" Lincoln spat on Luan's face.

"Now where was I? OH YEAH!!! BITCH YOU BOUT AS BAD AS LUNA!!! WHY THE FUCK YO HEAD LOOK LIKE A GOT DAMN KIDNEY BEAN!!! I OUTTA!!!! RAAAAAAA!!!!"

Lincoln was so pissed of that his roast force was beginning to take over completely.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??? ARE YOU TRYNA KILL US OR SOME SHIT??? YOU SET UP TRAPS THAT COULD CAUSE PERMANENT DAMAGE 24/7 YOU LED LENI AWAY FROM THE HOUSE!! YOU KNOW HER ASS IS DUMB AS A SACK A SHIT!!!! WHAT IF A FUCKIN PREDATOR HAD TRIED TO PICK HER STUPID ASS UP???!!!

Luan gasped as if the thought had never crossed her mind. "Im so sorry! I didnt think about tha-"

"DAMN RIGHT YOU DIDNT THINK OF THAT SHIT!!! ALL THAT YOU FUCKIN CARE ABOUT IS RETARDED ASS JOKES THAT AINT WORTH HALF A SHRED OF A MUTHA FUCKIN SHIT!!!!!NOT HOT ENOUGH TO BE A CHEERLEADER, NOT FAT ENOUGH TO BE A MUTHA FUCKIN FLAG GIRL, YO ASS STUCK IN PEP SQUAD PURGATORY!!!THEM BRACES ARE MOSTLY JUST A DISTRACTION FROM EVERYTHING ELSE THATS ROUGH TO THE EYES!!!! "

Lincoln paused. "Overall, good investment. A straight jaw allows the penis to fit in the mouth better."

Luan gasped.

"BITCH I LIED, YO JAW SO DAMN OUTTA PLACE ITS LIKE A MEXICAN AT A KKK MEETING!!! WITH ALL TJAT METAL IT'D BE A CASTRATION, NOT A BLOWJOB. THEY GON HAVE TO JERK IT ON YO DAMN FACE, SHIT, WHO KNOWS IT MAY HELP WITH YO DAMN ACNE!!! BITCH YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKIN MULE IN A FUNHOUSE MIRROR!!! YO HEAD MAKE YO ASS LOOK LIKE JIMMY NEUTRON! BITCH LOOK AT DEM TEETH, LOOKS LIKE THE FAMILY HAS A WALKING BOTTLE OPENER!!!!"

At that moment Lana walked by with a glass bottle of coke, slipped it in Luan's teeth and snapped the lid off. "Thanks Luan!"

Luan pissed and moaned.

"DAMN RIGHT BITCH, CRY OUT!!! FUCK YOU MEAN BRUH!!! I BET YO NASTY ASS COULD EAT AN APPLE THROUGH A PICKET FENCE!!! NEW MOVIE TITLE FOR YO ASS. ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: GENDER SWAP ADDITION! Bitch im done, fuck out my face."

Luan collapsed, from that day on, she never made a pun or shirry joke again. She was silent to the day she died, even when she was raped in a back alley at the age of 19.

The End.


	7. Driving Miss Hazy

**Episode: Driving Miss Hazy.**

Leni was driving Lola's shitty car, Lincoln in the passenger seat, when she crashed into a tree.

"SWEET SON OF FUCK LENI!! The fuck is wrong with you?!" Lincoln shouted.

Leni cringed back and shed a tear.

"AWWWWW. I didnt mean to hurt YOUR feelings Leni, I'm sorry, do you want some ice cream?"

Leni smiled and nodded as they went inside.

 **I dont think this Lincoln has the heart to roast a retard.**


	8. Sound of Silence

**Episode: Sound of Silence**

Lola stood in Lincoln's doorway. "Okay Lincoln, you know what happens when i'm mad-"

Lola was shutup instantly with a powerful backhand. Lola sat flat on her ass, holding her cheek as she looked up at Lincoln in fear.

Lincoln was now dressed as a sweaty stepdad, in his stained, greasy, alcahol smellin wife beater. He took off his belt and cracked it so loud all the sisters gathered at his door to see the beating that lola was about to recieve.

"Bout time someone whooped yo selfish no manners havin ass!"

Lincoln threw Lola flat on her stomach as he beat her ass with a studded leather belt. Once done he prepared his vocal abuse. All the sisters cheered, maybe after this Lola would change.

"Ahem." Lincoln said.

"RAAAAAAAA!!!!! YOU LIL SELFISH, NO FRIENDS HAVIN, PRISSY LIL FUCK!! FUCK YO STUPID ASS ATTITUDE BEFORE YOU GET ANOTHA ASS BEATIN, YOU ARE THE MOST SELFISH, SELF ABSORBED LIL CUNT I HAVE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF KNOWING!!! YOU LOOK ABOUT AS PRETTY AS A TOOTHLESS, BLONDE SHELLY DUVALL!!! AKA UGLY AS FUCK!!! YOU THINK YOU HOT SHIT WEARIN A FAKE ASS DRESS YOU GOT FROM A DAMN THRIFT SHOP??? A FAKE ASS PEARL NECKLACE??? ALSO I'TS SAD AS FUCK THAT ALL OF YOUR DRESSES ARE TOO LONG FOR YO STUMPY ASS LEGS, TELL MOM AND DAD TO GET YOU SOMETHIN THAT FITS YOU!!! POOR ASS, EVEN THEN YOU SELFISH AS FUCK WITH THAT, HEAD LOOKIN LIKE A DAMN GRAPEFRUIT, WHY THA FUCK YO ARMS LONGER THAN YO DAMN LEGS??? WHY YO BODY LOOK LIKE A DEPRESSED MAGIC CARPET??? Fuck out my face."

Lola became a mindless zombie working at a hummer dealership.


	9. Intern for the Worse

**Episode: Intern for the worse**

"Now I want the both of you to clean this mess up!" Said Flip, who had just taken a bite of a mayo sandwich, leaving some on his nasty mouth.

Lincoln whipped around and he gave a look that made Flip have a heart attack. His soul tried to rush to hell, but Lincoln yanked his soul back by the tail and ripped him back into his corpse, keeping him alive.

"BOI, DONT MAKE ME GIVE IT TO YO POOR, CRABBY HAVIN, SOCKS IN CHEESE HAVIN, EXPIRED MILK HAVIN NASTY SLOB LOOKIN MOTHER FUCKER!!!!! AUTISM IS ONE HELL OF A DRUG!!!! YO ASS LOOK JUST LIKE AN OLD KEEBLER ELF THAT JUST GAVE SANTA A FUCKIN BJ!! EVERYTHING IN YO NASTY TRAILER PROBLY GOT CHEETO DUST ON IT!!! BOI YO FAT ASS LOOK LIKE YOU INJECT YOUR INSULIN WITH FROSTING!!! ON THE BRIGHT SIDE YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT CONTRACTING AN STD YOU'VE HAD SEX TEN TIMES, THE OLDEST WAS THIRTEEN. BOI YOU DRESSED JUST RIGHT FOR A GOOD OL' NIGHT OF STATUTORY RAPE!!! Fuck out my face."

Flip's soul finally left his body, but not before signing the store over to Lincoln. Then flip burned in hell.

 **Sorry if this was short, I'm a bit busy, and TheLivingMyth, I saw your request on TheBodaciousE'sEverything about scooby doo XD Im definately doing that shit.**


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